My IVF Story

In 2003 The birth of my sister's first baby shook my soul to its core, awakening my yearning to be a mother, probably for the first time. From this moment on I prepared my body making healthier living, my sole focus so that I could be in the best condition to have a baby. By this time, my husband and I had been together for some time and it had taken me a long time to decide to have children. Embarking on having a baby was daunting for me because I didn't want my child to end up with the same genetic conditions that had dominated my life.

I was born with a neurological condition and scoliosis. At early as age 6, I remember being conscious about my body, it didn’t seem to work like the other kids. My extreme sensitivity during my schooling years mean’t that I was always aware of my body’s limitations and was continuously comparing myself to the other children. Primary and high school years felt isolating and lonely and whenever there was sport or physical education, anxiety overwhelmed me. By the time teen age years came around I was very self conscious about my spine, in particular. Teen years are tough for most, my years felt like there was this raging anger, fear and consistent feeling of anxiety and so many other emotions that could not be fully expressed. This time of changing body for me was about my twisting spine that felt way beyond my control. My way of coping was disconnection, hiding away, inability to express my feelings and refusal to wear a brace which really upset and worried my family who tried to help. I was completely immobilised by my health challenges and this led to my inability to fully connect emotionally and socially. My beliefs that were formed during these years became a very strong story of fear, shame and self loathing.

It was only at age 29 that I moved out of this state of frozenness with my body and actually did something about my spine and body. I decided on surgery and the insertion of thoracic rods and screws and removal of ribs to help reduce the protrusion on my right side. I will never forget walking a few days after the surgery and looking in the hospital mirror turning to see my right side of my upper back and seeing that it looked much straighter, I felt so elated. It took 6 months to recover from this surgery, lots of physiotherapy and lots of support from my family and my husband to be.

From here the priority was living as healthily as possible which meant regular exercise, massage, acupuncture and the discovery of Yoga and organic foods. I was routined, disciplined and even kept a wellbeing folder with medical tests, scans and every other health document with the hope of using these to share amongst all the different practitioners I was seeing, I made health a job.

It was these experiences that led my husband and I (mainly I) to use pre-genetic diagnosis through IVF for starting a family. Very quickly into this process I realised it was clinical and streamlined full of bloods tests, ultrasounds, needles, the fridge had packs of stuff! It was a regimented and controlled process all with the outcome of having a baby. When the first round ‘failed’, I was shocked, after years of my health routines I thought it would be pretty smooth sailing. Our doctor advised us to not think about it too much and just do the next round, he shared all sorts of stats and advice and encouraged us to keep on keeping on. I didn't listen and felt that I needed a break. It was very difficult for me to accept that I was not pregnant after the first round, particularly because of all the preparation I had done in trying to be healthy.

Every thought I had was on pregnancy. Looking back on it I was so unaware of just how much my subconscious limiting story was playing out. I did the physical part really well: I ate well, exercised regularly, my husband injected me routinely with hormonal medication, everything was regimented, ordered, precise. The hormones started to affect me but I did not see it at the time. I didn't seek support from my family or friends nor did I spend time connecting emotionally.

We tried another round in November of 2007 and this time I got my period before the first blood test. In April 2008 we were about to have a transfer of our last frozen embryo however it did not make it through the defrosting process. By this time, I was so numb that I did not even react to this. I was so lost by now that I could not even connect to the disappointment, the sadness, so many emotions.

My husband and I went to India to stay in an Ashram after this trying time and in true India style, the fire and the spirituality allowed the years of pain to surface in one overwhelming sweep and I found myself uttering the words “ I am leaving you’ to my husband on our last night of holiday. When it came out it shocked even me and devastated him.

My Wake up call

My life as I knew it disassembled and I walked out of my marriage very numb and lifeless. The disconnectedness lasted for awhile with my family and friends shocked at me ending my marriage. My GP diagnosed me with reactive depression in 2009. It took awhile before I started to open and finally be with the 'yuk' emotions like shame, fear, sadness, guilt, anger, all of it. My Sydney apartment was the perfect place for cocooning myself, it felt like a forest and I felt like the forest people described in the sacred text The Upanishads. It was the awakening that to this day I cannot fully describe.

I went back to my homeland South Africa for my grandfather’s funeral and studied Ayurveda during this trip. I felt drawn to the ancient wisdom of the Vedic tradition and the Yogic philosophy of my Indian heritage. I experienced a state of being, flow, a guided inner state, more femininity, more moving into the body. Many of these years, I didn’t actually do much, I continued to work but spent much time listening to Indian songs called Chalisas, sat in silence, communed with the moon. I felt totally at peace, it was my most divine and sacred time and where I began to understand the power of silence. Every moment I practised presence and surrender.

I discovered The Chopra centre and studied many courses with them to become a Meditation Instructor. This experience made me realise that after great loss, when things, people, jobs, dreams, babies… your life as you know it, falls away, you are left with you, the witness, the soul, spirit and the ground state of being. It is our most powerful state because it is the unknown, the place that contains the most potential. It is from this space from which everything is born and it was here that I began to re-story and re- create my life . The sacred teachings of the Vedic texts, Ayurveda Yoga, The Chopra centre courses, Neuroscience, the Moon, the Trees, the Whispers of something new began. It was at this time that I felt pregnant, I started to trust every moment and felt guided to begin working on my business, it was effortless, beautiful and it was magical.

On the 11th of the 11th, 2011 I felt like I birthed what is my greatest and my most loved creation, My Prana Portal. For me it is the meeting place of Ancient wisdom and Modern science and where I am blessed to be a part of so many people's transformative journeys, Welcome;)

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us"  - Marianne Williamson

My Journey

My transformation continues every moment of everyday especially since 2008. What I described above will probably never be understood by anyone else but me and that's ok. My learnings from this time in my life, dare I say will probably be like no other, it brought me my huge awakening beyond my woundings, to all that is within me the yuk and the yum, the shadow and the light, the feminine and the masculine, the being and the doing. Most of all the knowing that all these divisions of separateness are illusions. The call to adventure came with a bang and it was quite a ride through many trials and tribulations. It dared me to fully feel and then returned me to my deepest and truest self, which is always there. I certainly am not saying that I have arrived at a destination and wow aren't I wonderful. I tell this story because I feel that it is part of a much larger story. The way for us to connect is through our personal stories and through our re-storying. It is from this commitment to continually doing my own work that propels me in this lifetime and beyond. Our journey is a journey to keep awakening to the True Self.