My IVF Story and Why I birthed my business

I remember my own experience of IVF very clearly even though it was a number of years ago now.  The birth of my sister's first baby would change me forever. The arrival of my gorgeous little niece shook my life and caused a deep inner desire to have a baby of my own. I prepared my body from this point onwards with healthier living. By this time, my husband and I had been together for some time and it had taken me a long time to decide to have children. I had a tough time from childhood contending with a genetic neurological condition and scoliosis which led to the insertion of thoracic rods and screws along my spine and much emotional and physical pain. Embarking on having a baby was daunting for me because I didn't want my child to end up with the same genetic conditions that had dominated my life.

We decided to undergo pre-genetic diagnosis though IVF. This began in February 2007 and quickly into this process I realised it was clinical and streamlined: bloods tests, ultrasounds, needles, packs of stuff! When the first round 'failed', the doctor advised us to not think about it too much and just do the next round. I didn't listen, and I took a break. The first round was hard, it was difficult for me to accept that I was not pregnant, particularly because of all the preparation I had done. Every thought I had was on pregnancy. I became obsessive and my mind was unaware of just how much my unconscious beliefs and fears were taking over. The hormones had really started to effect me as well, but I just got on with it. I did the physical part really well: I ate well, exercised regularly, my husband injected me routinely, everything was regimented, ordered, precise. 

Looking back on it, I can see I was suffering emotionally deep down. I didn't seek support from my family or friends. We did have one counselling session at the IVF clinic but did not feel happy with the way it went. We tried another round in November 2007 and this time I got my period before the first blood test. In April 2008 we were about to have a transfer of our last frozen embryo however it did not make it through the defrosting process. By this time, I was so numb that I did not even react to this. I was so lost by now that I could not even connect to the disappointment, the sadness, so many emotions. My marriage broke down, my life as I knew it broke down and I broke down.

What followed was a deep drop into all the 'yuk' emotions like shame, fear, sadness, guilt, anger…. Dorothy was finally awake on her walk down the yellow brick road. Today, I am aware of so many factors that led to my life breakdown. It was the awakening I needed to be honest. I learnt to open up to all within me and this led to such a beautiful and deep connection to the sacred, to the divine, to the unfolding of my truth, to the unlocking of my full potential and to my perfectly imperfect and purposeful life. 

Everyone's journey through having a baby or not having a baby is different and everyone's journey through IVF is different. However, every journey can be transformative and an opportunity for living the life we are meant to, if we are in awareness and if we are supported and, more importantly, if we allow the divine to work through us. I birthed my Holistic counselling and Meditation business called ‘My Prana Portal’ on the 11th of the 11th, 2011, and I am blessed to have a nine year old and a way in which I can be part of so many people's transformative journeys.

What I recognise and what we all have the opportunity to recognise is: whatever we birth 'comes through us and not to us' to paraphrase a famous saying. We are all portals in which the divine, creative force comes forth and transforms from the spiritual world to the quantum world and finally to the material world through the process of birthing.